FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
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‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
*sewing*
A thread
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.