So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
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Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
How it started: How it’s going:
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.