i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.