if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
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God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
A family that plays together cheats.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.