They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
You Might Also Like
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
When you let grandma cat sit
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Challenge accepted.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Finally!
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.