Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
they should invent a hydrating liquor
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
4 pm:
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9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”