Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
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I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
somebody come look at this
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.