When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef