pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
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Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Ok but actually
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta