I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
ACED my prostate exam!
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
saving face 👀
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?