[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low