We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Me trying to look natural in photos
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Life is a suicide mission.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”