“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
✌🏽
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰