Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
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Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
starting a garage orchestra
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.