I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
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The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
*aggressively waits in line*
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
me
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day