Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
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psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.