Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
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Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
This kid will have a bright future.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.