3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
You Might Also Like
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Oh boy, $150,000!