me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
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Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!