Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
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“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Terribly Tuesday.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*