Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
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Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I wish I could veto my bills.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.