My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
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My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Me too door. Me too.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Sunday
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates