Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.