For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
very niche meme I made