The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
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Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Breaking news:
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*