“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
You Might Also Like
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
When you let grandma cat sit
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I have never related to a cat more
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
happy valentine’s day to me
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way