Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
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Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
yall want some gasoline milk
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine