My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
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me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.