‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
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[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco