My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
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“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Erm…
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.