Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
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Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
There are usually two types of merchants.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?