Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
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They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet