Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Never forget.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy