Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit