15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
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ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Lunatics are gonna loon.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go