Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.