Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”