looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
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A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
What a chick magnet..
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.