11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
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Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Received some very disappointing news today
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.