me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
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Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?