No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
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“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
? 💀
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!