Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
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Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.