I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
You Might Also Like
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.