I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]