I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
If only.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now