Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
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me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I have never related to anyone more.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion