Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
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A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
cats when you pet them too long:
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!