That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
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me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.