I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
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Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.