Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
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I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.